I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”