Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Its a hippotatomus
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Spring of Deception
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.