*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
But is it really??
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone