picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few