Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
SCARY COSTUME
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy