Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material