You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope