Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.