“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me