I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”