If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*