ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
that wasn’t the question
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*pronounces woah like Noah*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
incredible text to wake up to
Why are bridges so flammable.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.