Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze