date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
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Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun