I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Stop sending me this shit.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.