Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?