So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?