A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
You Might Also Like
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
are there any atheist mantises?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store