Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
You Might Also Like
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here