Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.