NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
You Might Also Like
They got a point!
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]