[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”