Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
❤️❤️❤️
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m already scared
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.