Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’