ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with