Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Received some very disappointing news today
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
it was love at first sight
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP