My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’