Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
You Might Also Like
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
No. YOU-buprofen.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*