˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
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The French cow says MEUX…
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
not seeing the problem
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: