Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
A small tragedy.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?