“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.