Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
You Might Also Like
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.