Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I already tried new things thanks.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
This meeting could have been a cake
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.