My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
You Might Also Like
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
The little toadstool has spoken.