I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.