Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.