Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Fidel Castro was alive?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.