You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
You Might Also Like
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
men, we mow at sunrise.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.