Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I got soap in my shower beer again.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.