Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”