First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.