Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me when the borders lift
What my back needs
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
God has abandoned us.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The point of your 20s
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.