Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*