I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You Might Also Like
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Is your wife single?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]