I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
You Might Also Like
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts