Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I needed a laugh this morning.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Hello Twits.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.