Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.