Holy crap this is wonderful
You Might Also Like
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My circle of trust is a meatball
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.