Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’