I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
at ease…shoulder.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.